


Commentaries on Writing Fanfiction (formerly Common Mistakes to Avoid When Writing Fanfiction)

by Oloi5



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-15
Updated: 2015-09-17
Packaged: 2018-02-21 07:07:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 7,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2459303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oloi5/pseuds/Oloi5
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>*Some well-intentioned advice for writers, inspired by works published here at AO3.  Relevant to all writers, but I am reading ASOIAF fics right now.  This ongoing project is offered in a spirit of friendly humility by me, a person who lacks the talent to create but is pretty good at spying flaws.</p><p>*At this time, a total of 23 chapters are planned.  Of these, at least 20% are by request! I welcome questions and yearn to be helpful!  </p><p>*I trained in copyediting at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, and worked for seven years in academic publishing.  I have an MA in History.  </p><p>*(For what it's worth, I also have a Master's in Economics.  I try to be pretty quiet about that, because if I tell someone I study history, they always say "oh, I <i>love</i> history!"  Because everybody does--unless there are assignments and examinations.  If I tell someone I study economics, they avoid making eye contact while backing away slowly.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The simple past tense of the verb 'to grip' is 'gripped' (note the double p) whereas the simple past tense of the verb 'to gripe' (to complain) is 'griped'.

In general, horses sleep standing up. That's because horses are not predators but prey. They need to be ready to run away at any moment. Horses do sometimes lay down for a short nap, but most of the time if a horse is down it is a bad sign. For more information, see http://www.ultimatehorsesite.com/info/hq_sleepstandingup.html.

Bathing: many fics depict characters ordering baths in their rooms. Using fifteenth-century England as our reference (as does George R. R. Martin) we know that the higher a person's social rank, the more frequently that person would bathe. The size and quality of bath would vary by location and availability of servants. So Lady Sansa's bath in her rooms at the castle in King's Landing would be in a larger tub than her bath at a rural inn. In neither case would the tub be large enough for her to stretch out, much less submerge herself. And definitely not large enough for Sandor to submerge himself! In both locations, the vessel would probably be a wooden washtub or metal hip bath, maybe lined with a cheap cloth, and definitely not steaming hot. Try filling your own bathtub with buckets of water and you'll see what I mean. Most likely, for a proper washing one would go to a public bathhouse. These were like today's spas. I am sure that in large towns there were a variety to choose from, from basic to extremely luxurious. See http://www.bbc.co.uk/history/british/middle_ages/history_of_home.shtml for more. (BTW, anything Lucy Worsley says is reliable.) Picture of hip bath: http://www.historyundressed.com/2008/07/history-of-hygiene-bathing-teeth.html  
Picture of hip bath with woman: http://www.powerhousemuseum.com/imageservices/2011/08/tina-cornioley-immersed-in-a-hip-bath/

While it is possible for Lady Sansa to understand the basic principles of cooking, it is highly unlikely that she could successfully cook anything.


	2. Cold Weather Camping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's all about the insulation; or, how to avoid hypothermia when fleeing King's Landing

Many tales, especially AU Blackwater fics, depict characters sleeping rough in winter. Well, we've got to make Sansa give the poor ol' Hound a bit of a cuddle, don't we? If ever there was a man who needed a hug.... Without magical warm spots, Sandor and Sansa really would have perished because in cold weather, the cold ground acts as a heat sink, leeching warmth away from the body. As a veteran soldier, Sandor would have been very experienced and would know what to do.

My reference on cold-weather camping is Donnie Eichar's book Dead Mountain: The True Story of the Dyatlov Pass Incident. It is an account of a fatal hiking expedition to the arctic Siberian mountains in February 1959. The Dyatlov group faced snow over ten feet deep, gale force winds, and temperatures as low as twenty degrees below zero on the Fahrenheit scale (as much as forty below with wind chill). 

Clearly, Russian hikers are totally hard core. But I guess if you don't go out in cold weather and you live in the Siberian arctic, you don't get to go out much.

So here's how they built their last campsite: they built a layer of insulation on the snow using their skis. Being too far from the tree line they didn't use pine boughs for additional insulation, but that would have helped. (You can bet Sandor would know to do this.) A tarp was laid over the skis, and then the tent was finally erected. Within the tent, blankets and bedrolls added further insulation. Finally, the hikers slept on their sides to minimize contact with the cold ground, still clad in up to seven layers of day clothes.

Searchers later found the hikers had, in their last moments, tried to create pine bough nests.

Now, that's obviously a very extreme example. As writers, you have the power to moderate weather conditions if you want your characters to survive. But it is much easier to keep your reader's attention if you avoid making them sleep directly on the ground!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope to keep future posts short and give them themes. I hope that will make them more helpful than random collections of what I've noticed most recently.


	3. The moisture-repelling qualities of woolen cloaks and birth control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A beloved correspondent commented: "I want reading the story to be fun for the reader and not something where the reader goes "Uh...that's so totes wrong." Bad blocking, anachronisms, all of that can pull the reader out of a story. I want to draw people in, not push them out."
> 
> E (1) put into words EXACTLY what I think. When I'm reading something really good, I actually cannot see words on the screen or page. I see, hear, feel the story unfolding before me. A tornado could go through my town and I wouldn't notice. (2)
> 
> Fanfiction should be fun so I try to be just-enough pedantic, not excessively so. This series is meant to focus on the bloopers which fling me out of a story the way a trebuchet flings rocks.

Gather 'round children: it's time for The Talk with your old Auntie Oloi. Breathe easily--it will be far less awkward than the time I had to have it with my mother after her second divorce.

Coitus Interruptus (the pulling-out method, withdrawal, raw dog) DOES NOT WORK very well. Quite a few fics have the male character in the throes of ecstasy "shoot his hot pearly seed against the milky white skin of her warm, soft belly." I'm a paranoid sort. Or I've been unduly influenced by Certain Women in my life who, like Sansa, think songs and stories are true. (Yes, Mother, I'm talking, er, writing, about you.)

When I read those scenes, I worry. A lot. So now we pause for a Public Service Message.

Yes, in the Game of Thrones world, as in our own, people practiced CI in an attempt to have fun without the sobering consequences. But even when done correctly EVERY BLASTED TIME it isn't very reliable at preventing pregnancy. According to the good folks over at the Mayo Clinic, "As many as 22 out of 100 women who practice the withdrawal method for one year will get pregnant." (Mayoclinic.org). That's nearly 25%!

Why doesn't it work? Because that "pearly bead of moisture on the tip of his throbbing member" can contain sperm. Remember, one lil' droplet can contain bajillions of those sneaky devils and it only takes one to do the job.

But wait! There's more! The chief impediment to successful CI is that it requires him to stop at the very moment his animal hind brain is telling him to keep going. Especially if the sex is as hot as you all are describing. (Wink, wink, nudge, nudge)

Okay, I can relax now that I've done my duty. (Whew!)

So, the moisture-repelling qualities of wool. (No, not that. Get your mind out of the gutter.)

I have worn a wool cloak (the same one!) every winter since 1984 and I love it. I consider myself an expert on wool cloak wearing. I've worn it in snowy Tennessee, in sleeting New York, in freezing Boston, rainy Indianapolis, in blustery Chicago, in chilly Atlanta, surprisingly cold Houston, and all parts in between. I am here to tell you that for staying warm and dry there is no better fabric than wool made by God or man.

I am convinced the secret to wool's ability to keep out wind and moisture is its lanolin. Lanolin is a greasy, sticky substance sheep produce from their skin along with the wool. Chemically, it is very similar to sebum. (You know that stuff. Makes your nose shiny.) Even after the raw fleece has been combed, carded, spun, washed, dyed, and woven just enough lanolin remains to help keep wind and moisture out. Now, of course lanolin doesn't render garments waterproof. So what should be done about wet and/or dirty cloaks? There doesn't seem to be any Westerosi dry cleaners. The number one thing is that they wouldn't dunk the wool cloak (dress, tunic, etc.) in a river to wash it. Wool is famous for shrinking if it is washed. It will shrink if it is dried with high heat. The only thing to do is hang the garment in the sun or several feet away from a heat source and wait. And wait. And wait. And then wait some more. So the Blackwater AU tales that have Sansa doing laundry in the Trident are wrong. And consider the air temperature! There's a rumor going around--something about Winter coming? Folks wouldn't be washing their woolens as often as we wash our clothes. They'd hang their garments to air out and only spot-clean when necessary. To spot-clean (for example, a splotch of mud), the thing to do is to wait until the spot is completely dry and then brush the dirt away. For sunk-in dirt, stretch the stain over the opening of a suitably-sized vessel such as a bucket. Pour a stream of water one the spot and let it drain into the bucket below. Work a very small bit of soap or stale urine into the stain and then rinse as before. Blot dry as best can and hang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (1) neuter pronoun. Gullah. I'm been trying to import it into English for 25 years. Nihil desperandum. See also Gullah Culture in America (2012) by Wilbur Cross.
> 
> (2) It's happened.


	4. Please stay tuned for this important message…

This is not a real chapter. It is just a public service message which I pass along to you all in a spirit of non-judgemental friendliness. There is a free online writing course available to one and all by following this link: https://www.futurelearn.com/courses/english-for-study?utm_source=FL_DB&utm_medium=crm&utm_campaign=05_11_2014_FL_newsletter&utm_content=courses 

Because I took the Futurelearn online course on life in the English country house I know that these courses are really quite good. One of the nice things about them is that because they are free and not necessarily for credit, it doesn't feel like work. You can do some of the class, all of the class, or bail without consequences.

We now return to your regularly scheduled fanfic.

(Sound fx: bodices ripping, raspy moans, rattling bed frames... Because I'm in one of those moods today.)


	5. Baileys Mouse Pie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spell check and autocorrect are NOT your friends!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated with love to Ser Mark Twain who handed down this commandment "Use the right word, not its second cousin." From Fenimore Cooper's Literary Offenses, which may be found at http://twain.lib.virginia.edu/projects/rissetto/offense.html. Go read it.

Lonesome for her children, Catelyn reached for a tried-and-true remedy, a bottle of Irish whiskey. Now that they are teenagers, her children didn't need her much anymore. And Ned. A good guy, really. But that strong, silent type of sexiness lost its appeal somewhere between chicken pox, the second mortgage, and his gallstones. "This mood sure would go well with pie" (1) she mused. So Catelyn reached into the icebox for comfort, for mother's little helper, a box of Baileys Mouse Pie.

Suddenly, you hear a giant spring snap "twiongggg" as you are hurled out of the story and splattered across the pavement of your dull, workaday world.

Mousse Pie. Much more comforting than the mouse pie. A mouse pie would probably send poor Catelyn 'round the bend.

All for the want of an 's.'

Time for your Auntie Oloi to confess: I sometimes take out a red pen and correct hand-written signs at the supermarket. Just one sign bearing the legend "Potatoe" (2) is enough to set me off. My heart rate increases, I start to breathe heavily, my eyes glaze over, and I begin to deduct points from signs, boxes, billboards.... It's bad. Really bad. So it should be no surprise that the proliferation of Internet communication affects me like a bad rash.

Recently, I discovered some valuable information. It's what's keeping me out of the state asylum for the criminally deranged. Not everybody who writes in English has English as a first language! Oh my. For as far as I'm concerned, someone who has English as a first language has no excuses. You were taught better in school! But the folks who came to English as a foreign language... Oh, my dears, I AM SO SORRY. 

You see, English is a mongrel language and lacks any type of parental supervision. If English meets somebody else's really cool word, English adopts that word.(3). (By way of contrast, note the example of L'Académie Française which has been waging a losing war against les baked beans and faire du shopping since 1635.). So English is loaded with words that look very similar but have very different meanings. I can't begin to imagine the headaches that causes. I can dodge false cognates in French, and I can rearrange the average German sentence, but the thought of learning English turns my stomach. So apply my criticisms appropriately, beloved ones, and let us move on to what I expect will be an eternally growing list! All these are genuine bloopers found in fanfiction: 

"So how about a game of chess, sweat cousin?" Great opening line there, Tywin. Yep, that girl is going to be the love of your life. Sure she is.

"Bronn burped loudly as he offered me a peasant breast." Did he eat too fast? Or was this story about a threesome?

The person who drives a taxi is a cabbie, not a cabby. And while we're on the subject of hired transportation: "They both had hansom faces, though Ned’s was longer and always more serious." Right. A face like a taxi. All for the lack of letters D and E.

"Staunch naked". 'Staunch' means loyal and committed. It can also mean watertight when used in reference to a ship. But unless you're writing about an army of Picts, you probably want to say 'stark naked'. (And if you're writing about an army of Picts, do mention the blue.)

"...a long, rich autumn followed by a short frizzled winter." Yes, one of those cold spells that dries out your hair and causes split ends.

Beaux is the plural of beau. Go back and reread "Gone with the Wind" by Margaret Mitchell if you don't believe me.

"The poor girl simpers away." Um, scampers?

'unenthused' is not a word--use 'unenthusiastic'. Yes, yes, I know it is used colloquially. Verbally, it works. Written, it stands out like that famous sore thumb folks like to talk about. Right up there with that sign at Walmart advertising "convoluted pillows." (If only I could reach it with my red pen! That's a twenty percent deduction right there.)

"She dwindled immediately behind the bed, like an obedient daughter, assuming the place and a humble stance belonging to women."

“'What the hell are the two of you doing?' Robert demands raucously. His voice echoed through the halls, and Myrcella can hear her right ear ringing. A flash of feral crosses over Joffrey's face and Myrcella is reminded of the old Joffrey all over again." Yes, Cercei's laissez faire approach to parenting did produce at least one feral child. But I don't think that's what was meant.

By all that is holy please remember this: "alter" is a verb which means "to change or modify" whereas an "altAr" is a holy table. As in this example: "Since Robb Stark was fourteen, he has had sixteen girlfriends. All of them broke up with him no later than three months. Two left him at the alter." Though that might make sense when we remember that an alternatve meaning of the verb "to alter" is "to castrate."

Spell-check and autocorrect are not your friends. Use them if you must, but if you want your readers to enjoy your stories, proofread!

More words to watch: allure/lure, grizzly/grisly, meat/meet, vice/vise, bear/bare, conscious/conscience, bases/basis, fainting/feinting

Updated December 28, 2014 to include a glorious blooper from Auntie Oloi herself: "I'll take a look at it. Is there a less pubic place for our communication?"

Update (January 6, 2015) with a wonderfully slippery error from a customer review at Amazon.com: "The book also gives an insight into the morays and customs of the period." FYI: moray is a type of eel. Mores are the widely accepted standards, beliefs, manners, and customs of a community.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (1). Cameron, from "Modern Family"  
> (2). Dan Quayle. The correct singular of 'potatoes' is 'potato'.  
> (3). Faithful readers may recall my earlier rant on neuter pronouns.


	6. Improbabilities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things that probably wouldn't happen even in magical, mysterious Westeros

"I..." she started, but then stopped, and looked down at the ground. "I didn't even know some of those things were possible" she continued under her breath.

Sandor couldn't help but laugh. Gods she was cute when she blushed like that. A small smile played across her lips and she laughed self-consciously, looking up briefly.

"What do you mean little bird?" he asked, interested to see if she could blush any more than she already was.

"Page 29" she replied, still staring at the floor.

Sandor looked down to the book and opened page 29. He chuckled while he read it. But soon went hard when he thought of how he might educate his little bird.

"I could show you" he said, smirking at the way her eyes went wide and mouth hung open, before she fake-scowled and stomped over to her bed.

\-----from "Lines" by annie_rose

[slightly emended]

Sadly, unlike Sansa, we don't always have someone handy who can demonstrate that the contortions described on page 29 are actually possible. Fiction asks us to suspend our disbelief, and we're willing to do so if the story is a good one. But many, many fanfics ask us to tolerate situations so improbable as to spoil the reading experience. So I offer the following in hopes of being some small assistance to those of you who aspire to improve:

1\. If Sandor Clegane has just rescued Lady Sansa from the Gates of the Moon during a snowstorm, it is highly unlikely they will celebrate their escape by bathing in a convenient WATERFALL. And if they were to do such a fool thing, they would die of hypothermia within fifteen minutes. And worst of all, even if Sandor were still able to walk after all that, he would definitely NOT have an erection. No man would, not even Rory McCann (hail!). Because in the minutes before death, all the body's blood rushes from the extremities to the heart.

2\. If Lady Sansa wakes up at NIGHT, the sun is probably not shining nor is it turning the sky a reddish glow which perfectly complements her glorious auburn waves.

3\. The people of Westeros probably don't speak Yiddish. So consider omitting terms such as putz and schlong.

4\. Saddles in Westeros would not have horns. Pommels, yes, but not horns. Saddlehorns are an exclusively American innovation for use in cattle wrangling, and simply wouldn't exist in the world GRRM has created.

4\. While I realize the experience of pregnancy and childbirth are unique in each case, these events do tend to follow a general timetable. So hie yourselves down to the used bookstore and get a copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting and have the baby kicking in the correct month.

5\. "He pulled on his boots one at a time and donned his armor." Of course he did. Though I've got to say it--I'd pay good money to see the Hound put on both boots SILMULTANEOUSLY.

6\. On the subject of conjugal relations: I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I read the sex scenes fairly carefully. I'm hoping that's less embarrassing than if I admitted to having actually written one. Yes, your Auntie Oloi is a little shy and old-fashioned. But here's my concern--quite frequently writers will have their couples doing things which, if not impossible, are anatomically improbable. Unless the lovers are contortionists. So here's an example: things are getting hot and heavy, and he reaches down to stimulate her clitoris with his thumb. My concerns?  
a. With tab A fully inserted into slot B, there's most generally not a lot of room to maneuver, so his hand will probably have to be parallel to his own body  
b. which means his palm will either face toward or away from his body.  
c. If his palm faces his body (the most natural and comfortable of the positions) it will be the back of his thumb which stimulates her. Let's hope there are no rough cuticles or broken nails.  
d. If his palm faces her body he'll be able to stimulate her with the pad of his thumb. Definitely more gentle and appealing. But that will require him to twist his wrist in an uncomfortable way.  
So think through the movements carefully. Nothing spoils a good love scene more than the reader having to stop, close their eyes, and try to figure out "how did they do that?"

**There are no zippers in Westeros!**


	7. Now for some praise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm a connoisseur of a well-turned phrase, le mot juste. Here are some of my favorites.

“'Sansa,' the man spoke in a velveteen voice." The speaker is everybody's favorite dastardly villan, Petyr Baelish. Do note the word choice: not velvet, but velveteen. And I bet it's the cheap polyester kind, too. From _Thunderstruck_ by Dr_Supernova_Dragon_Cat

"After the first congratulations, the wedding party made for the dining room. Sansa was on his arm and still beaming as if she had swallowed two suns." Simile excellence from _Awakening_ by Maracuya

"love and partnership aren't a kind of property; they're a loan. Until someone – perhaps the Stranger even – claims them back.” From _Puzzle Pieces_ by Maracuya

"He was slowly identifying some of the feelings that were forming that mess inside his chest." Do note, mEss, not mAss. _The Bodyguard_ by aryriddle

on the Targaryen dynasty: "That family is twenty tons of crazy in a small size Ziploc bag." Metaphor from _Runs in the Family_ by PockyofNyanyaland

"...there are still a few boxes sitting accusingly in a corner. They can wait." Marvelous example of personification from _I'm Not Crying_ by SandraClegane

"Her breath caught in her throat when the Hound suddenly stalked out of the shadows of the courtyard below, emerging from the exit that led directly to the royal apartments with such a fierce expression that she was half-sure the sun would change its mind about rising and defer to his formidable temper." Metaphor and personification from _Dragon's Breath_ by The_Readers_Muse

"[W]ar breeds monsters like standing water breeds pestilence. Throw a man enough miseries and provoke him with the lack of food and spoils and he’ll quickly fashion himself to mad and cruel ways of behavior. These monsters then go and create more of their ilk with their cycles of atrocities. Drown the realm in enough of them and the fabric of civilization can’t mend." Yes. Exactly. Perfect and so damnably true. From _Marching Song_ by Kimberlite8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am looking forward to posting another set--I collect them as I go along. While constructive criticism has its place, I think constructive praise accomplishes more. Certainly, I've gotten my share.
> 
> Readers--please share some of your favorite phrases!


	8. Does Your Chain Mail Freeze if You Leave it on The Wall Overnight?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I get requests! Yay! 
> 
> (I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it....)
> 
> This has been a perfectly beastly chapter to write. In searching for the answer, I've found so many interesting facts I've wanted to share. Of course, I've had to rewatch episodes of Game of Thrones and reread the books, and that sends me off to look up other information, and Oh! Look! There's a chicken! Can Sandor Clegane be far behind? Ah, Rory McCann. You know, they really should have given him more to do.... Have you seen him in The Book Club? What a shame there's only twelve episodes. Anne Dudek is in that show, too. She was 'Cutthroat Bitch' on House. Ah, Hugh Laurie. It's not really fair for one man to be _that_ talented. You know he sings Blues, right? Can an Englishman really sing the Blues with any credibility? I've listened to Eric Clapton back to back with Robert Johnson, and yes, Clapton has got the creds. Otherwise, even though music is a universal art form, I think only....
> 
> You get the idea.

Darling ikkiM had a question. "...I'm wondering your thoughts on wearing metal armor at the Wall? Or Winterfell during Winter? I've read different stories, some say the defenders of the Wall are wearing boiled leather, others mention armor. I think wearing metal armor in winter would make you freeze."

The short answer is no.

Spot-checking the books reveals members of the Night's Watch wear boiled leather and wool. And that's what we see in the HBO series as well.

From my research,1 it appears that boiled leather is an ancient and relatively effective armoring material. While it probably couldn't stand up to close fighting, it would, at minimum, slow down the path of an arrow. It would also offer some protection against blunt-force injuries, much as the pads worn by players of American football do. Boiled leather armor offers many other advantages: it would be relatively inexpensive, with practice, it could be made by ordinary people, and it is relatively lightweight. It also wouldn't conduct heat or cold as much as metal.2

How about metal armor? By the beginning of the 14th century, the price of plate armor was falling. Even so, it remained far too expensive for the vast majority of soldiers. I don't have any solid evidence on chain mail to offer, but I expect it was prohibitively expensive as well.3 So in the real world, very few people would wear it.

In either case, armor was worn over special padded garments which appear to be called "arming clothes". For the torso, soldiers would wear normal clothes and then a gambeson, which seems to have been a species of quilted Mao jacket. Presumably, those who wore metal armor also wore better--and warmer--clothing. So there would be lots of layers between man and armor.

Moving about is an excellent way to keep warm and metal armor adds weight. In a scientific test, researchers found that walking or running in full armor was about twice as much work as without. It's not just the weight of the armor itself, but the uneven distribution of the burden which accounts for the greater energy expenditure. In fact, there is reason to believe armor-induced exhaustion led to the French defeat at Agincourt.4

So I don't think wearing armor in cold weather would have posed much of a problem. But let's not just take my word for it. Let's consult some experts who have actual experience in the matter. (Experts? Experience? In the same sentence? Get it together, girl.)

Jojo Zerach posted the following at myArmoury.com:

"Has anyone worn armour in cold weather with historically-accurate under-garments? (not ones that could double as arctic gear.) Does the metal get cold, or does it still get you toasty?"

to which others replied:

"...I have worn my armour down to around 20/25 degrees F. I was ok in this weather, little brisk in the voids, also, my soft kit is not wool, it's linen, however, the metal was very cold to other people touching it, and I would start to steam if I walked next to the fire some people had going." Michael B. 

"It's only cold up here when it's below 0 degrees F, minus - 20 F is not unusual and with the wind chill it can fee like -40 F and rarely it actually is -40 F. Now this is Montréal, go up top Baffin land if you want really cold. As for the actual question I haven't worn armour when it's very cold very often but I remember feeling too warm at a Halloween party and going outside on a balcony in winter: The then hot maille kept me hot for a good while but then got cold, after I when inside the maille kept me cold for a good long while. For extended wear in cold weather I think it all depends on how warm your arming clothes are and keeping the cold steel far from your skin. Having a cloak over the armour might help keep you warm by keeping the radiated heat from the armour inside the cloak?" Jean Thibodeau

"I spent a day wearing riveted maille and a bascinet in -15C just before Christmas. As long as your arming clothes are warm and there is no steel to skin contact, armour or maille won't make much difference. If you're wearing a full suit of armour you might have condensation that freezes on the inside of the steel. I would anyways make sure I had a layer of wool under any arming clothes." Tjarand Matre, Nøtterøy, Norway

"Wore my armor (maille + plate arms and legs + bascinet) in around -5 C. Nothing bad as long as you move. Though probably if you get sweaty and then don't move for a while you will freeze. Two main problems are: 1) to put on enough clothing under armor (it is especially valid for plate armor which is fitted and thus will not allow too much clothing to go under it). 2) when wearing armor you generate a lot of heat so you are warm even if you have little clothing under the armor, but you also get sweaty quickly. And after your clothes get damp, you freeze very quickly if you don't move." Aleksei Sosnovski

"Wore my full plate (milanese) over correct wool garments--padded arming cote, 14th c. shirt, braes, and wool hose with leather shoes. I've worn this in -20C and it is cold, but the plate completely cuts the wind. But steel gauntlets over heavy gloves are miserable in -25 but not at all bad in -10 when actually moving. The rest is absolutely fine. I DID make a correct hood--a liripipe--to wear under my Bascinet and maille because the maile on my face was--REALLY COLD. With the hood buttoned to the chin, it's quite comfortable. Also noted that when outside I really, really wanted a wool cap to wear when unhelmed. Sally Pointer made me a 14th c. cap--superb. Hey--I live in Canada. If you couldn't wear armour in the cold, we wouldn't ever have any fun. To sum up, just yesterday we had a long sparring session outside. We all agreed that plate is actually warming, and mail is freezing--extra wait and cold retention against yr under garments but wind goes right through it. I wonder if it would act as a great air barrier if you completely covered the maille in cloth?" Christian G. Cameron, Toronto, Canada5

1I begin by noting that George R. R. Martin has specifically cited the English Wars of the Roses as his inspiration for _A Song of Ice and Fire_ , so I am using England during the wars 1455-1485 as my point of reference. In an interview with _Empire Online_ , he said "Westeros is probably closer to medieval Britain than anything else. Geographically, it occupies a somewhat similar position off a larger contintent, although Westeros is considerably larger and is, in fact, a continent itself, more like South America. And although I've drawn on many parts of history, the War of the Roses is probably the one my story is closest to." (http://www.empireonline.com/interviews/interview.asp?IID=1496) 

2Here's an excellent source on how to make your own boiled leather armor: Mark Carlson, Cuir Bouilli/Hardened Leather FAQ http://www.personal.utulsa.edu/~marc-carlson/leather/hl.html.

3When I was in grad school, I lived in a high-rise apartment building which boasted a small convenience store on the ground level. The man who ran the store spent his idle hours watching television and assembling items of chain mail. I remember it took him forever to finish just one fantasy bikini. So I can only imagine how long it would take a medieval armorer to assemble a mail shirt.

4Graham N. Askew, Federico Formenti, and Alberto E. Minetti, "Limitations Imposed by Wearing Armour on Medieval Soldiers' Locomotor Performance" in Proceedings B of The Royal Society, July 20, 2011. http://rspb.royalsocietypublishing.org/content/early/2011/07/15/rspb.2011.0816.abstract?sid=b1bf1354-6f65-47e3-8233-2125025c8d27.

5http://www.myarmoury.com/talk/viewtopic.php?p=210806


	9. Filthy Lucre

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting your money's worth in Westeros.

How much is Westerosi money worth?

This is an important question, because a lot of the Sansan fics I read touch on the issue of Sandor Clegane's personal wealth. In some tales, he's sensibly deposited his winnings in a bank; in others, he keeps his funds in cash and carries it around with him. So here's some information (along with some speculations) which I hope will be of use.

So we begin. In contrast with today's national fiat currencies, money in the Seven Kingdoms is specie. That is, it has intrinsic value rather than value based on GDP and faith (as most modern currencies are). There are gold dragons, silver stags, and copper stars.1 There are probably other national monies in circulation in Westeros, especially in the international trade ports on the east coast, but for the purposes of this chapter we'll assume they don't matter.

(Side note to idea-seekers: in a port city with a thriving international trade, it is likely multiple national monies are used. People who buy and sell extensively in that sort of monetary environment would be fully aware of various exchange rates and could use their knowledge to confuse and defraud the unwary. Imagine watching a transaction in which a consignment of cloth and wine is sold for $25,000 US and payment is made in a mixture of British pounds, Russian rubles, Mexican pesos, euros, and Canadian dollars.)

Back to my subject. In _Game of Thrones_ the winner of the Tourney of the Hand is awarded 40,000 gold dragons. As we know, Loras Tyrell gallantly concedes victory to Sandor Clegane after Gregor Clegane nearly kills Tyrell. As a younger son, Sandor has no property other than his horse and personal chattels, and his only source of income is his job. How valuable is his windfall?

Helpfully, England's _Daily Mail_ supplies an answer at http://www.dailymail.co.uk/money/holidays/article-2921892/How-fictional-money-Harry-Potter-Star-Wars-Star-Trek-Game-Thrones-World-Warcraft-worth.html. Using today's exchange rates, the prize was worth $52,631,580. 2 Wow.

But here we run into a problem: we don't know much about prevailing prices in Westeros. How much does a loaf of bread cost? What wages would a common laborer earn annually? Shortly before Ned's execution, Arya asks a street vendor for a tart which we learn is worth "three coppers." She offers a fat pigeon in trade, but is refused. It is unclear why her trade is refused. Are pigeons less valuable than tarts? Does the vendor dislike pigeon? 

We do now have a sense of proportion when it comes to Westerosi pricing. In the national capital on a festival occasion, when we would expect prices to be high, a luxury food item such as a fruit tart carries a relatively trivial price. This leads me to believe that while the tourney prize converts to more than $52M US, its actual purchasing power is much, much greater.

That being the case, and knowing what we do about the price of tarts, I'm certain Sandor would be unable to drink and whore away the majority of his fortune by the time he leaves King's Landing, as many fic authors depict.

So what does he do with all that money? Does Beric Dondarrion end up stealing _all_ of it?

Consider Sandor's ability to physically carry 40,000 gold dragons around. How much does a gold dragon weigh? Well, we know that he won 40,000 of them, and that $52,631,580 = 40,000 dragons. So, dividing $52,631,580 into 40,000 units we get $1315.79 as the value of one dragon. How much gold will $1315.79 buy? At this moment, one ounce of gold is selling for $1,197.76.3 We find therefore that one gold dragon probably weighs about 1.1 ounces ($1315.79/$1,197.76=1.098542278920652). The entire tourney prize net weight is therefore 43941.69115682608 ounces or x pounds (1.098542278920652 ounces per coin x 40,000 coins = 43941.69115682608 ounces; 16 ounces = 1 pound, therefore 43941.69115682608 ounces = 2746.35569730163 pounds or about the weight of a mid-size automobile) and definitely bigger than a bread box.4 Not at all portable while escaping the Red Keep. I'm certain he deposited the majority of his winnings in a bank account.

Would it be in character for Sandor to trust a bank when he doesn't trust the IOU Beric Dondarrion issued for the money Dondarrion took? I think so. As Cersei's and later Joffrey's personal bodyguard, Sandor's been privy to an awful lot of policy discussions. He seems to be the "mouth shut/eyes and ears open" sort of man, so he'd have the inside scoop on governments and financial institutions. And he's a very intelligent man. Meanwhile, based on what we know about banking in his world and the Iron Bank in particular, the banking system in the Game of Thrones universe seems comparable in reliability to banking in 14th c Europe. So I think while he has reason to distrust Dondarrion, he'd be able to trust a reputable bank.

Besides, what else could he do? Bury most of it? Long-term access depends upon physical location and I can't help but think Sandor's too savvy to think he'd always be able to return to King's Landing to dig up more money. And if he had buried it elsewhere in Westeros, after his encounter with Dondarrion and company, Sandor would have just gone to his hiding spot and dug up more. But if it was in a bank, he'd have to show his face at a branch to make a withdrawal, risking arrest for desertion. That's why ransoming Arya becomes necessary. Ransom funds are necessary to obtain passage to Essos where the warrant for his arrest wouldn't be legally enforceable. (Of course he'd have to contend with bounty hunters, but he would be very confident of eliminating that little problem.)

Conclusion? For fanfic writers, so long as Sandor Clegane is an outlaw in Westeros, he is effectively a pauper. If he is not subject to Westerosi justice, he's a very, very wealthy man. As a fugitive in Essos, he is still rich. 

What about other characters? Freedom Finance, a British firm, offers the following:

[ ](http://www.freedomfinance.co.uk/game-of-thrones-westeros-rich-list/)

1For a more detailed breakdown, see http://awoiaf.westeros.org/index.php/Currency and http://gameofthrones.wikia.com/wiki/Currency

2€46,412,327.72 or £34,034,905.36.

3http://www.jmbullion.com/charts/gold-price/ February 24, 2015 at 6:14 GMT (18:14 ZULU).

4Please, please, please don't ask for the math on how big a box. There's not enough aspirin in Christendom to answer. Just trust me, I'm begging.

5See also http://www.freedomfinance.co.uk/game-of-thrones-westeros-rich-list

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going cross-eyed proofreading this, so I'm posting with the confidence that someone will spot something and will be generous enough to point out my failings _gently_.


	10. Prologues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My funny is AWOL, sorry about that. 
> 
> This was originally part of an email to the ever lovely and talented Maracuya. Love you, sugar! May all your dreams come true!!!

I don't have strong feelings about prologues one way or the other. I suppose the main thing is that I believe they need to serve a purpose. They have to really add something to the story. In this respect, let us consider a prologue GRRM wrote for ASoIaF:

 _Game of Thrones_ : In this prologue, we read about an incident that is largely irrelevant to the main plot. Even Gared is unimportant. He exists so Ned can execute him later, but GRRM could still have conveyed the same information--Ned's idealism, his sense of personal responsibility, the seriousness of abandoning one's post--without the prologue. The reason for the prologue's existence is the reader needs to understand the gravity of the threat the White Walkers pose to Westeros, and that is best done by _showing it_ to us. Gared, Will, and Royce's misadventure isn't part of the plot but the knowledge we gain by reading it is necessary to our understanding of the plot itself.

Another example: When Mary Stewart begins _The Crystal Cave_ (book one in her series about the life of Merlin) she starts with a scene of a young noblewoman rescuing an injured knight by hiding him in a cave. As he heals, they fall in love and make love. But when he is well enough to leave, she refuses to go with him. The prologue ends there. When we begin the first chapter, we are reading about a little fatherless boy and his nanny watching an approaching column of soldiers. Only much later in the boy's life do we come to understand the cave is a place of mystical significance to the boy, a place where he has visions and develops magical powers. To tell us why the cave is important would require boring lengthy exposition to interrupt the plot. Instead, Lady Stewart _shows_ us the events in a way that intrigues the reader and stimulates the desire to read more.

A third example: Consider _The Last Kingdom_ by Bernard Cornwell. It's the first book in his "Saxon" series, a factionalized look at the life and times of England's Alfred the Great. In the prologue, a man named Uhtred introduces himself. He explains that he is going to tell us his life story, and about King Alfred who enabled Uhtred to gain riches, a castle and lands, and a title, even though as he freely admits, Alfred hated Uhtred. Here in the prologue, Uhtred recounts a Viking invasion and attack on Uhtred's childhood home and the way Uhtred ends up joining the Vikings. In this example, it would have been very easy to incorporate the same information in the main body of the narrative. The author uses the prologue to grab our attention. We want to know why Uhtred joined his enemies. Why did Alfred hate Uhtred, yet give Uhtred all that stuff? We're now so interested that we've been standing in the aisle of the bookstore so long we're getting uncomfortable, so we _buy the book._

So if you write a prologue, make sure it serves a clearly identifiable purpose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Upcoming Attractions: I've noticed that quite a few writers end up having to do a lot of explaining in notes or discussion. I hope to address this issue in the not-too-distant future. The idea is to use the same technique of using plot to convey information, much as I've tried to show above. Turning exposition into action isn't easy but it is a powerful way to keep your readers interested. The thing of it is I like to use examples taken from stories AO3 as you have seen. I prefer, when criticizing, to use small snippets and not identify my source. But I've got a conundrum--to adequately explain how to turn exposition into action, I'd have to quote so extensively that the identity of the errants would be revealed. So if anybody can think of a way to tactfully ask another author to be an exemplar while also insulting her to her face, I'd love to hear it.


	11. Does size matter?  plus, more praise!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm baaaaaack!

These commentaries originated as a way to scratch an itch. Since then, I've found many people seem to find my modest efforts helpful, for which I am glad.

At least part of the reason I haven't posted lately is that I haven't written anything i thought long enough to post. I know I'm in the best of company, judging by the many, many author's notes apologizing for brevity which appear on this site.

Which got me thinking about the relative merits of length. Or, as some of the smuttier-minded would say, does size really matter? (Hee hee hee)

That in turn reminded me of the horrible dark days when I was teaching at a small Southern college. I'd assign an essay, and the inevitable question would come: how long should it be?

I always replied with an anecdote about Abraham Lincoln. It seems the man was the constant target of teasing and jokes because of his great height. You can imagine how tedious it must have been, to be asked eight or nine times a day "how's the weather up there?"

On one notable occasion, Mr Lincoln was greatly relieved to meet someone who'd actually come up with something new.

"How long should a man's legs be?"

The President considered the matter gravely. "I should say that a man's legs should be long enough to reach from his body to the ground."

The point is that what we write should be long enough to get our point across. Having succeeded in accomplishing that goal, stop writing.

So take a moment to think about your chapter. What does it need to do? Do the characters need to travel to one location to another? Is there backstory that the readers need to know? Do you need to do some world-building? If you can accomplish that effectively in a relatively short bit of prose, there's nothing for which you need apologize.

A philosophy I mean to take to heart.

 

 

And now that you've eaten all your vegetables, here's a bit of sweet: more praiseworthy extracts from real live "sure 'nuff" fics published right here on AO3.

"going slower than a snail in glue" from an author's note in _The Tale of Two Sisters and a Hound_ by LadyTP

"The week crawled by as though a limbless beast, shuffling and pained in the cold," in _The Way We Were_ by lascia

"...he's all sort of faded and confident and quiet and clever and yummy." From a comment by swimmingfox on Jillypups' _A Kiss, Just for Fun_

"[He] poured out all the ways in which his ruined face had sculpted his life." From _Risk Assessment_ by SharkAria

" _Podrick._ That was the assistant’s name. _Good. Now I know what to call him when I throw him out the window._ " from _The Defence Rests_ by TheCakeConundrum

It's the little things that make characterization work. Don't tell me Robert is rude, crude, and socially unacceptable. Show me. And in _Sometimes You Get What You Need_ , Sarah_Black does. "I bet she was tighter than a Jew in recession! How long did you last? How many positions did you try? Have you bent her over a table yet?"


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